My vacation schedule!

Zone C
Bordeaux , Créteil , Paris , Versailles
Rentrée scolaire des enseignants vendredi 1er septembre 2006
Rentrée scolaire des élèves lundi 4 septembre 2006
Vacances de la Toussaint mercredi 25 octobre 2006 lundi 6 novembre 2006
Vacances de Noël samedi 23 décembre 2006 lundi 8 janvier 2007
Vacances d'hiver samedi 17 février 2007 lundi 5 mars 2007
Vacances de printemps samedi 7 avril 2007 lundi 23 avril 2007

Not bad, huh? Plus, the last day of my contract is April 30th, and I don't leave until May 30th! Woohoo!

3 months to go . . .

I'm waiting to hear from my landlord if she'll let me sublet my apartment. This is a huge deal. If I can sublet, I won't have to deal with selling my furniture and moving all of my crap out of my 180-square-foot studio. I also won't have to deal with finding a place to live when I move back in a year. That means sidestepping having to live on an aerobed in my parents' apartment for god knows how long while I find a job.
The whole idea of having to move out of here is a complete nightmare. I have all these IKEA shelves installed, and ridiculous amounts of crap. Would I be able to sell everything? I guess the money would come in handy, and I could move into my parents' place for all of September while I dealt with packing and visas. But just the thought makes me freak out a little.
But other people do this stuff all the time. They move annually and deal with storage fees and not fully unpacking. Can I deal with that, too? I thrive on feeling settled, on having a comfortable home-base that feels like me.
I love my apartment. I love the way it smells like lavender and face cream, that I know exactly where everything is, and that it's all mine. What if I put things in storage, and then go to Paris and realize I've forgotten something crucial? What do I do? Do I live without it, or buy a new one? What if I don't bring a cardigan/pair of earrings/perfume that I need?
What if just can't hack being on my own, away from my parents and stuff? I like to think that I'm independent. I've lived alone for 3 years and crave my quiet time. In fact, if I don't get enough personal space I get quite cranky. Does that mean I'll thrive on being alone in Paris? Or will I freak out at the bizarreness of speaking French all the time, with no reprieve?
Part of me thinks I'll be fine. I remember going a week speaking nothing but French the summer I was 16, in Arcachon. After all that time I found that I needed a break, but I was okay. I was rather proud of myself, I seem to remember.
Needless to say, I'm having lots of doubts. What will I do with all my time? Will I be able to support myself on 752 euros a month? Will I find a job teaching English? Will the Red Wheelbarrow hire me? Will I have to resort to being a mistress in order to eat? Will I ever be able to afford a Vanessa Bruno dress?
I realize that some of these questions are besides the point. Most likely I'll shop at the Monoprix for generic L'Oreal and Fructis products, eat cold tabbouleh and lots of brie and bread. I'll have a carte orange and wear my Sauconys to run errands, and never take a cab. I'll while away a few afternoons writing in a cafe or wandering the halls of the Musee d'Orsay, but I'll do my fair share of sleeping in and wasting time, thereby feeling incredibly guilty that I'm not out being more French. I'll travel to Spain, Italy, Prague, and still not feel as if I'm taking enough advantage of my location. I'll come back a year from now desperate for mac and cheese, but not sure I did everything I wanted to do.
It's so hard to be in this state. I'm on the verge of going (3 months!) but nothing is near ready. I have no home, no visa, no assignment to a school. It doesn't feel real, so I'm floundering.
I just hope Beth lets me sublet. Please oh please don't make me move out of here on top of everything else. Please please please.

and so it begins . . .

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. Today has been a good day, despite how it started. I was so tired this morning I couldn't get my contacts in. Last night I didn't sleep well, either. After getting to my temp job I was told they won't need me after today, so my main source of income just disappeared. I still have unemployment, but that's not quite enough. Actually, it's nowhere near enough.
I was too tired to really get into my Pilates class, and I didn't get much out of it. That was frustrating. But when I got home, I had a letter from the French embassy, telling me of my acceptance to the teaching assistant program! And I've been stationed in Paris!
It seems like the world is sending me some very strong messages. So I think I'm going to do it. It's not 100% decided, but how could I not? This is a rare opportunity, and rarer still is the ability to take advantage of it. I have no ties holding me back right now, and I think I'll regret it if I don't go.
I know I'll regret it if I don't go.
But my mom says that's not a good enough reason to do it. She says I need a positive reason, not a negative one. And I agree. So here are the reasons I want to move to Paris for the year:
I want a membership at the Musee d'Orsay, so I can pop in whenever I want without waiting in line
I want to perfect my already fluent French
I want to get to know Paris so well that it feels like home
I want to travel all over Europe (Prague, Seville, Berlin, Vienna, Rome, Amsterdam) and it's so easy to hop around once you're over there
I want a scandalous French romance
I want to see if it's true that French women don't get fat
I want to live a different life for a bit, different from the one I always assumed I'd lead

Are these reasons enough? I'm sure there are more, but at 4:20 in the morning it's hard to be coherent, much less intelligent. I can see myself shopping at the Monoprix for my toiletries, buying fresh cheese and bread for a picnic on Ile St. Louis; calling Claire to tell her I'll be popping over to Lille for the weekend; going to Jean-Paul's house in Brittany for holiday; playing with Martin, my insanely adorable French cousin. I can see all of it.
The realities of the situation are so over-whelming. Can I sublet my apartment? If not, what the hell do I do with all my stuff? If I can, how do I find someone I can trust with my place? Will they pay the bills, or destory my credit? Can I keep my cell phone number? Will I be able to sign a lease and open a bank account in French? How will I find the things I take for granted here? Etc, etc.
I worry that I'll be lonely, but I also know that I already know so many people over there. In Paris alone there's Michel, Anne and Emilie; Gerard, Claire, Martin, Laure, and Martine. Nearby there's Jean-Paul and his whole family, Claire, Audrey and Geraldine. I think that's a pretty good support network. And that's not even counting random people, like Liora in Switzerland. Toblerone, anyone?
And is loneliness so bad? I have such a hectic social life here, maybe it'd be good to have some downtime. I can become terribly melancholy and mysterious, and start drinking coffee while scribbling in my journal. I can figure out just what it is I want to do with my life. Do I want to continue with children's books, or start a completely new career?
I guess this is why I can't sleep. There is just so much to think about. I could continue to ask questions all night, and never come closer to an answer. I hope the melatonin kicks in soon (How will I get my medications in Paris?) and that I can sleep in tomorrow. I could use a day of absolutely nothing to do.
Bon nuit.