and so it begins . . .

It's 4 am, and I can't sleep. Today has been a good day, despite how it started. I was so tired this morning I couldn't get my contacts in. Last night I didn't sleep well, either. After getting to my temp job I was told they won't need me after today, so my main source of income just disappeared. I still have unemployment, but that's not quite enough. Actually, it's nowhere near enough.
I was too tired to really get into my Pilates class, and I didn't get much out of it. That was frustrating. But when I got home, I had a letter from the French embassy, telling me of my acceptance to the teaching assistant program! And I've been stationed in Paris!
It seems like the world is sending me some very strong messages. So I think I'm going to do it. It's not 100% decided, but how could I not? This is a rare opportunity, and rarer still is the ability to take advantage of it. I have no ties holding me back right now, and I think I'll regret it if I don't go.
I know I'll regret it if I don't go.
But my mom says that's not a good enough reason to do it. She says I need a positive reason, not a negative one. And I agree. So here are the reasons I want to move to Paris for the year:
I want a membership at the Musee d'Orsay, so I can pop in whenever I want without waiting in line
I want to perfect my already fluent French
I want to get to know Paris so well that it feels like home
I want to travel all over Europe (Prague, Seville, Berlin, Vienna, Rome, Amsterdam) and it's so easy to hop around once you're over there
I want a scandalous French romance
I want to see if it's true that French women don't get fat
I want to live a different life for a bit, different from the one I always assumed I'd lead

Are these reasons enough? I'm sure there are more, but at 4:20 in the morning it's hard to be coherent, much less intelligent. I can see myself shopping at the Monoprix for my toiletries, buying fresh cheese and bread for a picnic on Ile St. Louis; calling Claire to tell her I'll be popping over to Lille for the weekend; going to Jean-Paul's house in Brittany for holiday; playing with Martin, my insanely adorable French cousin. I can see all of it.
The realities of the situation are so over-whelming. Can I sublet my apartment? If not, what the hell do I do with all my stuff? If I can, how do I find someone I can trust with my place? Will they pay the bills, or destory my credit? Can I keep my cell phone number? Will I be able to sign a lease and open a bank account in French? How will I find the things I take for granted here? Etc, etc.
I worry that I'll be lonely, but I also know that I already know so many people over there. In Paris alone there's Michel, Anne and Emilie; Gerard, Claire, Martin, Laure, and Martine. Nearby there's Jean-Paul and his whole family, Claire, Audrey and Geraldine. I think that's a pretty good support network. And that's not even counting random people, like Liora in Switzerland. Toblerone, anyone?
And is loneliness so bad? I have such a hectic social life here, maybe it'd be good to have some downtime. I can become terribly melancholy and mysterious, and start drinking coffee while scribbling in my journal. I can figure out just what it is I want to do with my life. Do I want to continue with children's books, or start a completely new career?
I guess this is why I can't sleep. There is just so much to think about. I could continue to ask questions all night, and never come closer to an answer. I hope the melatonin kicks in soon (How will I get my medications in Paris?) and that I can sleep in tomorrow. I could use a day of absolutely nothing to do.
Bon nuit.